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Funnies February 15, 2008

Posted by uberhim in Uncategorized.
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David Letterman:

Cold here in New York City today. Were you folks cold outside? Here’s a tip. Here’s what savvy New Yorkers do on a cold day like this, I did it earlier today myself. Try it out, let me know what you think. You go over to Grand Central Station — you know where that is, the big train place? There’s the Oyster Bar up there. And on a really cold day like this, go up there and fill your pants full of steamed clams.

But it was so bloody cold here in New York City, Leona Helmsley left $12 million to a polar bear.

So cold the mercury in the New York sushi dropped to 18 degrees, ladies and gentlemen.

Boy, talk about a black eye for baseball — you know what’s happening today? Congressional investigations into Roger Clemens and the steroid use begin tomorrow. And it’s interesting, you know, we didn’t get Bin Laden, but by God, we’re nailing this guy, you know what I’m saying?

And, of course, Mitt Romney dropped out of the race. Are you sad about Mitt Romney leaving the competition? I’m going to miss Mitt Romney. I like him, I like Mitt — he looked like a close personal friend of the late Bob Crane. He looks like a guy who says to the bartender, “If I wanted a glass of tonic, I would have ordered it.” He looks like a guy you just met who uses your first name too much — you know those guys? “Hey, Dave, nice to see you.” “Dave, let me tell you something.” “Dave, how’s the wife?” “Dave, I understand you’re from Australia going on a ‘round the world trip, is that right, Dave?”

Mitt Romney looks like a cavalry officer who has no intention of honoring the treaty with the Apaches. (source)

Chapelle – Def Jam Poetry

Conan O’Brien:

Big news for us, the writers’ strike is finally over and I just want to say personally it’s great to have them back. In fact, they wrote that. That was the first thing they wrote. “Say it! Say it! Or we’ll leave again.”

While our writers were gone, Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama all declared their support for the writers strike. Meanwhile, President Bush announced he’s in favor of a “readers’ strike.”

Earlier today, Roger Clemens testified before Congress about his alleged use of steroids and human growth hormone. There was an awkward moment when Clemens leaned on the table and it shattered.

The New York Post is reporting that actor Gary Coleman was secretly married last June. Apparently the ceremony was held in a synagogue, just so Coleman could use the line, “Watchoo talkin’ bout, rabbi?” (source)

Stopping Time at Grand Central Station

New York Times: Barry Weintrob – Scampaign ’08 (video)

The Onion: Employees On Other End Of Conference Call Just Want It To Be Over

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